“But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life.” (Titus 3:4–7)
Strolling through the aisles of Target, I smiled at my kids sitting together in the cart playing happily. A woman with silver hair came up to me and said, "It's so rare to see children just enjoying each other instead of looking at a screen. Great job, mama!" Two aisles over, another woman approached to rave about how well-behaved my children were. I was feeling pretty great as we pulled up to the checkout counter. Just as I was ready to give myself a gold star, my daughter realized the dress she had pulled into the cart wasn’t coming home with us and she lost it. Everyone within earshot was quickly made aware of her displeasure.
I sure could have used a “good job, mama” from one of those women right then but, unsurprisingly, there wasn’t a word of praise to be heard. I avoided eye contact with the store clerk and the staring eyes of the passersby, but I certainly felt them. Embarrassment settled in quickly and overpowered any compassion, grace, or tenderness that tried to win out in that moment. It only took 30 minutes for me to go from “good mom” to “bad mom.” While I’m not a fan of roller coasters in general, the roller coaster of self-judgment is my least favorite of all.
The temptation to find worth in a 9–5 job is overwhelming; how much more so in the job we never leave? Motherhood seeps into every hour and every day of our lives. We train, teach, and care for our children in their presence; we prepare things for them, clean up behind them, and think of our children in their absence. They are our life’s work. We begin to believe if we’ve spent the days well, the “work” will speak for itself—and vice versa. Before we know it, we are looking to our children to tell us who we are.
Our children were never meant to bear the weight of our worth. We have a front-row seat to the lightning-fast changes in their moods, temperaments, wants, and needs—and yet we still fall into the temptation to plant our worth on that quicksand. Placing our identities in created things rather than the Creator of all things keeps us functioning in the world’s standards and ways. In a relentless pursuit of our own glory in motherhood, we devote our time to ensuring our children are successful so that we, in turn, are deemed successful too.
As we labor and toil to build ourselves up, we quickly learn the victories of motherhood are neither satisfying nor lasting. The world says “do more so you can be better.” The Word says we have been given the gift of salvation with no credit whatsoever to ourselves (Eph. 2:9). We will continue grasping for the rest of our lives if we look to motherhood for our worth. Not only is it unhealthy, it is also unfair.
When we look to motherhood for our identities rather than working out of our security in Christ, our children are often met with unrealistic expectations and little grace. Rather than lovingly correcting our children, we scold or shame them for not bringing usglory. There is no amount of good our children could do to save us, just as there is no amount of good we can do to save ourselves. When we were dead in our trespasses, God made us alive together with Christ. We are saved by grace and are seated with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus (Eph. 2:4–9).
Our identities in our children will never be secure. Like setting a glass on top of a parked car—what is stable one minute can be hurled and shattered in the next. No amount of catechizing, Scripture memorization, or Veggie Tales will change the fact that our children are sinners subject to human error. Only through grace in salvation do we have a new identity: Forgiven. Redeemed. Secure. No tantrum in Target nor bedtime Battle Royale can shake the firm foundation of who we are because of the finished work of Christ.
Whether our children devote their lives to the pursuit of glorifying God or walk through seasons of wandering apart from Christ, our worth in and through him doesn’t change. We can rest in the finished work of the cross, never subject to the roller coaster from “good mom” to “bad mom” ever again. We are secure in Christ, our firm and stable foundation forever.
QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION/APPLICATION:
1. In what ways have you been looking to motherhood to determine your worth?
2. Can you think of a time you’ve felt like a “good mom” or “bad mom” because of your children’s behavior or accomplishments? Was the feeling lasting?
3. How can you position your heart to rest in the finished work Christ today rather than striving?
Jill Atogwe and her husband Oshiomogho live in Dallas, Texas with their two young children. She is a stay-at-home mom that fills every minute of the fringe hours with illustrating, writing, and creating content for her lifestyle blog Gold and Graphite. Her mission is to work heartily as unto the Lord with each passion and person he brings in her life. You can follow along with Jill on Instagram or on her blog.