He said he loved you, so why would he ever do that?
They said motherhood would be so fulfilling; you never imagined your child would say such crushing words to you.
She said she had your back, but it turns out she’s been stabbing you in the back when you weren’t looking.
Wounds hurt, especially when they’re inflicted by someone you trusted. We have all experienced being let down because we live as sinners in a sin-cursed world surrounded by other sinners.
How can you find hope in the midst of relational hurt?
Remember Jesus
Jesus knows from experience what it feels like to be wounded by relationships during his time on earth. His parents knew who he was, via an angelic messenger, but they still reprimanded him after his temple teaching (Luke 2). His siblings didn’t believe he was the Messiah. They even seemed to want to get rid of him—encouraging him to go to the feast even when they knew he’d be killed (John 7:1–9). The people who initially praised and cried out “hosanna!” eventually turned against him, crying out for his crucifixion. One of his own disciples turned him over to the authorities in exchange for money (Matt. 26:14–16). All his disciples ran and fled during Jesus’ time of deepest agony.
And yet the pain he felt from human relationships would pale in significance when compared with the bitterness he tasted when he was forsaken by his Father. Only Jesus knows what complete abandonment feels like because only he experienced it when he took the sin of the world upon himself. Jesus has experienced the most agonizing and deepest pain on our behalf, yet he doesn’t dismiss ours, but grieves with us in our hurts.
Examine yourself
As much as we want to believe it, we are not innocent.* We’re not perfect people interacting with heathens, but sinners wounded by other sinners. We hurt others—whether intentionally or by accident—and are hurt by others.
You and I will never experience relational wounds in the exact way that Jesus did because we are marred by sin. Only Jesus, the perfect human, has experienced relational pain as one who has never contributed to the problem, and he always reacted without transgressing.
We must pray humbly and desperately along with the Psalmist: “Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!” (Ps. 139:14). Ask God to reveal your manifestations of pride and habits of stubbornness in relationships. Ask him to grant you full repentance and forgiveness. Then prayerfully seek others’ forgiveness in areas where you have sinned against them and offer forgiveness from a place of humility and love. “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Eph. 4:32). The only way we can extend forgiveness to others when they haven’t asked for it is by offering it out of the fullness of our relationship with Jesus. He offered forgiveness and reconciliation while we were enemies with him. He loved us with the deepest love imaginable when we were rebellious sinners (Rom. 5:6–10).
Refocus your hope
I am often guilty of taking the hope I should have in Jesus and placing it on my husband and children. I want my husband to know me intimately and love me perfectly. I want my children to repay my sacrifices for them by treating me with kindness and making me happy.
But my earthly relationships were never meant to fulfill all my hopes and dreams. My husband and children are not strong enough to fulfill all my hopes. Only Jesus can do that. We have the potential to crush those closest to us when we place on them a burden of expectations that can only be fulfilled in Christ.
Only Christ loves perfectly and knows intimately (even better than you know yourself). Only Christ never disappoints. Refocus your hope and place it in Jesus, the only one who can fulfill it.
God often uses the gut-wrenching experience of a relational wound to remind us that our relationships—even the most life-giving ones—are stained by sin. Let your relational hurt be an arrow that points to the perfect love of Jesus Christ. When you are wounded by someone you trust, worship Jesus Christ for being the only one who never lets you down.
*Editor’s note: In situations of abuse, a victim should not be made to feel responsible for the actions of their abuser. These statements are not meant to blame a victim of abuse, but rather are intended to probe the heart of one who is experiencing feeling “let down” in a way that does not constitute abuse. Still, we hope you find these words about forgiveness and replaced hope to be helpful.
QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION/ APPLICATION:
What relationship are you struggling with most right now? Have you asked God to search your heart and show you how you might be contributing to the problem?
“We have the potential to crush those closest to us when we place on them the burden of expectations that can only be fulfilled in Christ.” In whom are you tempted to place your hope instead of Christ?
Talk to your Heavenly Father about the hurt you’re feeling right now. Ask him to restore your hope and joy in him alone. Here is a prayer to guide you:Father, you know our hurts and the ways we’ve been let down, even this week. Forgive us for the ways we have sinned and contributed to our relational problems. May we use the relational pain we experience in this life to be an arrow that points us to you. When we are wounded, may we worship you for being the only one who loves perfectly. When we are let down, remind us to cry out to you as the only one who never disappoints.
Christa Threlfall is a pastor’s wife, mother of four, and author of Come to Jesus: What if God Designs Our Days to Keep Us Running Back to Him?. She enjoys cooking, playing tennis with her husband, and exploring the great state of New Hampshire. You can read more of her writing in her monthly newsletterand on Instagram.